i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
