I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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