That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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