I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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