tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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