Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
foreskin is a definite game changer
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
