I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
