I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
