Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
