I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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