somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
