I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
