found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
