new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
