The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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