He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
