i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
