she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
