I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
