so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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