I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
