i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
