I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
