he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
