Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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