just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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