Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My liver is preforming stress tests.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
