i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
