cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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