i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
