I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
