I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
