Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
