Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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