I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They have beer where we have blood.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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