if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
