If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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