i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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