I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
