____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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