I think I won the penis lottery.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need a beard to bite.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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