i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
