I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
