I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
