Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think people are normalizing furries
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
