i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
