So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
