so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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