The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
