my phone needs a breathalizer
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
