I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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